Blarney

"Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed."

 ~Linda Wooten

Blarney was the beginning of our journey to becoming a family and has been heavily on my mind today and is always in my heart.  Here is the story of Blarney:

In April 2005, Mesh and I took a week long trip to England and Ireland.  Our travels of course took us to the famous Blarney Castle where we kissed the blarney stone for good luck.  We had been talking about starting a family and my wish as I kissed that rock was for our family to begin soon.

One month later, on the day Mesh was graduating from medical school, we found out we were expecting our first child!  We were overjoyed and immediately started referring to our growing baby as "Blarney" in honor of that lucky stone.  My whole life I had always wanted to be a mommy, and now I was growing a life, I had arrived!

Three months later and we had packed up our lives, moved across the country from NYC to Washington and were celebrating the fact that the first trimester was over and we were in the "safe" zone.  We called, emailed and shouted from the rooftops that we were expecting a baby in January.  January 24th, 2006 to be exact. Baby Blarney's due date was six years ago today.

Then, on July 10th, the day of our first wedding anniversary, I learned I was having a miscarriage.  We went to the ER to get an ultrasound and the nurse plainly stated something like "There is no blood to the baby. The baby probably stopped growing 2 weeks ago.  It's not alive."  I can't put the jumble of feelings that overtook me into words adequately, but it was a mixture of shock, grief, pain, disappointment, sorrow, anger, and disbelief.  I looked at my sweet husband, a man who had been my best friend for seven years and my husband for one, and for the first time in my life I saw him cry.  I could not speak, but as he was looking at the ultrasound he said "I was supposed to be a dad", and my sorrow doubled.  We were crushed.  For the first time in my life, I felt hopeless, weak, and terrified.  What if we couldn't have children?  What if we lost another?

I had been given routine genetic tests in New York when I was first pregnant and we discovered I carry Fragile X and therefore there was a 50% chance that our child would carry it and a 10% chance that our child would have it.  With this history, my doctor agreed to do some testing (normally they don't test unless a woman has had three miscarriages) and we found out that we miscarried due to trisomy-15 and that our baby that we lost was a boy.

It is just six years after his due date and our great loss, and we have been blessed beyond our wildest dreams three times over with our Nate, Riley and Ben.  And our son Blarney is also our blessing, our angel, and a reminder that beautiful things can blossom out of great pain.  Beginning our journey with a loss has changed me and given me more perspective.  When I feel overwelmed or burnt out, I remember the intense feelings of longing and hopelessness I had after we lost Blarney and before we learned Nate was on the way (which lucky for us wasn't long) and I remember to be grateful that I am a mom, that my dream came true.  And I am thankful that I have been able to offer support to my many, many friends and relatives who have struggled with infertility and/or miscarriage.  I love you each and I hope you know that I hold you in my prayers.

Cheers to you today, dear Blarney. I am lighting a candle for you, as I always do on this date. We will always remember you.  Thank you for making us a better mom and dad.  Please continue to remind us to count our blessings and cherish our loved ones.